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by Kelly Michael James

This just in: In a move that some Democrats have suggested might be a bit too far-reaching, George W. Bush, in a speech given before the Business Roundtable today, announced the White House will soon unveil a new STIMULUS PACKAGE that includes a plan to repeal the Thirteenth Amendment. “A rising tide lifts all boats,? slurred W, while standing in front of a red, white, and blue banner that read “JOBS AND GROWTH.? He also said the White House is forming a “blue-chip? committee to explore the possibility of replacing the thrown-out, antiquated Amendment with a modern one designed to simply eliminate any and all taxes paid by the rich, ever. The exact details of the Amendment will be left to Congress, but a jubilant Tom Delay growled, “We’ll decide who qualifies as ‘rich,’ but take this as a WARNING that you BASTARDS better be Goddamned CAREFUL whose campaigns you contribute to!? Delay then left the Capitol in a rush, screaming at his limo driver to “hit as many fucking squirrels as you can — I hate those fucking rodents!?

Democratic leaders, not wanting to appear SOFT on TERRORISM, offered cautious rebuttal to the White House plan. “We’re considering the very real possibility of forming our own committee to explore whether or not this might not just be an outrage,? a seemingly not very outraged Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle announced. Senator Daschle went on to add that he was somewhat TROUBLED that the President’s (sic) proposal calls only for voluntary compliance by corporate masters to use the lash after only verbal warnings. “Prudence would seem to dictate that written warnings should be used to prevent abuse, even of one’s own property,? Daschle said, but he was quick to add that “this is not to suggest that the vast majority of the Barons of Industry aren’t fully TRUSTWORTHY, benevolent, patriotic assets of our great country, especially those who hire the extremely well-reimbursed services of my high-powered corporate lobbyist wife, Linda Daschle." Showing off his INTEGRITY, Daschle shot a judgmental look at Congressman Bill Thomas, then smugly reminded everyone that he, Thomas A. Daschle, would never fuck a lobbyist who had clients with business before the Senate unless he married her first. “Who’s the ‘family values’ party now, huh?? mocked the Minority LEADER.

 Outside the U.S., shocked world leaders were nearly unanimous in their CONDEMNATION of the Bush proposal: “It is an ABOMINATION that this sort of thing could happen in a so-called civilized country in the 21st century,? said Jacques Chirac. “The unelected Bush regime is simply the WORST form of government the world has ever seen,? decried Germany’s Gerhardt Schroeder. “This latest bone-headed move doesn’t surprise me a bit — I looked into Bush’s eyes and all I saw was a big vapid pool of JELLO puddin’,? said Vladimir Putin.

 The White House, as usual, was uniformly unfazed by this latest chorus of blistering world criticism. “Who gives a RAT’S ASS what ‘Old Europe’ thinks,? thundered a red-faced Donald Rumsfeld, adding “Those barbarians don’t even have a DEATH PENALTY over there! What kind of LEADERSHIP can you EXPECT from people thatbackwards??

“Once the rest of the world sees how well our AWESOME machinery of UNBRIDLED COMMERCE runs, they will all get in step with our vision for the New American Century,? predicted future Secretary of State Newt Gingrich. “Finally free from the suffocating constraints of WAGE-TERRORISM, the world will see a GOLDEN NEW AGE of unbelievably magnanimous corporate philanthropy. This is a day to rejoice for everyone concerned with human rights,? he gushed.

Bush’s Labor Secretary Elaine Chao was even more direct: “Let the irrelevant wimps at the U.N. pass a Resolution of Condemnation — We’ll just use it to WIPE our ASSES with!? Chao went on to express her unbridled contempt for the “dolts? who couldn’t grasp the GENIUS of taking billions upon billions of dollars out of the pockets of employees and putting them directly into the pockets of their employers. “Listen up and learn, stupid,? explained a testy Chao, “It’s an undeniable FACT of BASIC ECONOMICS that taking money from the poor and giving it to the rich has a powerful STIMULUS EFFECT on the economy that BENEFITS EVERYBODY. It’s the WORKERS who gain the MOST by giving up their paychecks,? she went on, adding, “Ever heard of the Laffer curve, Dumbshit? Hel-LO! ‘Trickle Down’ economics ring a bell? Duh!?

 When asked at a press briefing following the announcement if this proposal wasn’t an insult to the legacy of Lincoln, a defiant Scott McClellan snorted, “Lincoln was a RACIST PIG! George W. Bush, not Lincoln, is the true hero of equality. He believes all non-wealthy people — regardless of race, creed, or color — are EQUAL to NOBLY SERVE the free market that God, in His infinite wisdom, has given us, in whatever humble capacity their corporate masters see fit. He knows that ONLY THEN will all of humanity be TRULY free. LOOK: Only free-enterprise CAPITALISM creates the FREEDOMS we all enjoy. There is one true SIMPLE fact: ONLY free labor creates capital. The more free labor, the more capital. The more capital, the more freedom. THEREFORE, slavery creates FREEDOM. Time-an-a-half overtime pay is an EVIL that STEALS the very freedom from society.?

 Perhaps Karl Rove best explained the complicated economic theory: “You are getting very sleepy. You’re eyelids are getting heavy. You are drifting off into a deep, pleasant sleep. He is a uniter, not a divider. Everything is fine. You are free. He is a compassionate conservative. You are happy…?

About the author:

Kelly Michael James is college instructor. He teaches political science, although he is a Marxist--Groucho, not Karl. Mr. James is also an attorney and a writer.  His freelance work can be found in various alternative papers such as Urban Tulsa, Eugene Weekly, Pacific Northwest Inlander, Portland Mercury and others. Teeing off on the news media is a favorite topic of Mr. James’.


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