Wednesday, Feb 28th

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You are here Editorials Alex Baer The Tricky Bits in the Triaging

The Tricky Bits in the Triaging

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Welcome to the weekend, fellow shell-shock victims:

Thank you for choosing Doctor Dogooder's Philanthropic Trauma Hospital and No-Host, Hospitality Fern Bar.

We'll be triaging everyone according to depth of political dismay and by visible, physical symptoms -- such as foaming at the mouth, inability to control reflexes, sudden bursts of cursing, throbbing temple veins, fur-coated tongue, repeated yelling-while-pointing, and so on.

If anyone is having trouble breathing, please take a seat and wait your turn, as we are ALL having trouble breathing this political season.

Anyone suspecting psychic bleeding or other related injury should please report to the duty clinician in the Purple Wing -- just follow the purple arrows and pale green vapors, to the inpatient receiving area.

If you are not sure about the nature of your state of things, please also go to the Purple Wing -- it is huge, and can accommodate almost everyone in the entire country.

However, if you feel yourself overheating, or otherwise experiencing a meltdown of some sort, related to anyone with orange hair, with a last name starting with the letter "T," as in "toodle-oo," please report to the Bright Red Wing, where our crack staff of delusional counter-programmers and certified therapists can help in your transition back to reality.

Anyone still grieving about Bernie Sanders -- please report to the Sky Blue Wing, where grief counselors are standing by to empathize, sympathize, and de-terrorize you.

For those who are supporters of Hillary Clinton, reluctant or otherwise -- and, from any camp, be it from the Lesser Evils, to the Let's Get Real-Enough-and-Avoid-Utter-Calamity movement -- please report to the Pale Blue Wing, where we have just opened up huge, new swaths of terrain to accommodate the ever-increasing influx.

Anyone torn by indecision or guilt, or wracked with starry-eyed hope, regarding Jill Stein -- please report to the Green Room, where volunteers are standing by to help you talk through whatever degrees of depression or levels of decompression that you will find most helpful.

Libertarians and Tea Party members, please report to the Black-and-White Wing for immediate treatment for Fantasy Therapy and Earth Orbit Re-entry.  Giant "catcher" nets have been set up for you -- please proceed at godspeed.

All others -- if you are unsure what you are seeking, or what really ails you, please report to one of the following, based on your best gut feeling:

Please go to the Yellow Wing if you just need to find a quiet spot to work on your tan, and find a little peace and quiet from the madhouse, the media, and the mayhem of the last three years of this current Presidential campaign.

Anyone with low-level brain cramps, light dizziness, and/or a vague, undefined sensation of doom -- please report to the Peppermint-Striped Wing for aroma-therapy, organic tea, and stevia-steeped peppermint candy.

However, please go the Orange Wing if you feel low on energy and/or nutrients, and think some time in a pool, with an orange juice drink, sounds pretty nice right about now.

Any people who have not heard their conditions described... are not sure where to report... or who are unaffiliated with any party, candidate, or basic theme -- or who are, even at this late date, still calling themselves Undecided -- please report to the Gray Wing, for beginning instruction in critical thinking, and body-function identification and training.

Thank you for your cooperation.  Please remain calm.  Please do not rush -- we still have months, yet -- and gawd only knows what could happen next.

Sorry -- did that go out across the overhead paging system?  How do I -- is this the... ?  Oh, it's the black-and-yellow toggle switch?  Just, like, push it back -- like th...

... orward to turn on -- OK.  Got it, thanks.

Starting from the top, then...

Thank you for choosing Doctor Dogooder's Philanthropic Trauma Hospital and No-Host, Hospitality Fern Bar.

Would the owner of a babbling, late-middle-aged white male, wearing ratty jeans and a paint-splattered football jersey,  please report to Lost and Found?  We're not sure if his lights are on.

OK - so, recapping, once again:

Please remain calm.  Please, no running with protest signs or absentee ballots.  Please keep the loading bays clear for incoming ferries, motor launches, life flights, transport planes, and cargo ships.

For everyone's safety, please observe the No Smoldering and the No Spontaneous Combustion signs throughout the facility.

The No-Host Hospitality Fern Bar is open 24 hours a day, and may be reached at any time by stepping into the oversized pneumatic flume-tube launchers along each side of any corridor, hallway, anteroom, lobby, or treatment Wing or Area.  Please note, during the current nationwide crisis, there is a limit of seven gallons of alcohol per person per day.

Just to repeat....

We'll be triaging everyone according to depth of political dismay and by visible, physical symptoms -- such as foaming at the mouth...

Today's Bonuses:

Keep this link handy until after Inauguration Day -- something tells me we're going to need all the chuckles we can muster, be they from the Cat Sanctuary, or from wherever else we can rustle them:

My nominee for Political Humanitarian of the Decade:

(I'll update the nomination as a co-share if Ivanka bites.)

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